Grown Up Heartbreak
When I was young, I thought my young romantic heartbreak was the worst pain I could feel (other than the death of a loved one). In fact when I got married, I remember being happy as hell I’d never have to know that pain ever again. Turns out I was wrong. We experience heartbreak over and over again through our friendships, work environments, in ministry, and multitude of other relationships.
Today I’m heartbroken because I’ve lost one such relationship. The details of why the relationship was lost is not so important as the aftermath of emotions I am feeling. I seem to vacillate between being resolute in my decision to step back and feeling devastated by the loss. My heartbreak was on my mind when I went to sleep last night and was palpable when I woke up this morning. It may seem silly to spend this much emotional energy on someone other than your spouse or perhaps even a parent, but this is the second relationship in the last five months where I have had to step back. The irony is that I always thought mature people lost relationships because of betrayal or some egregious act. In this instance I asked questions about the way this person was functioning where I’m concerned, expressed what I needed, and when it was met with a negative response I chose to step back.
Similar to my heartbreak in my college days, I am really hurting. Although these days I have a whole lot more tools and wisdom, I still don’t know how to stop the bleeding. What I do know now that I didn’t know then is that there is power in feeling your feelings, as hard as it may be. I keep turning over in my head my missteps which includes allowing certain things to continue unaddressed. I considered my timing, my approach, perhaps if I had said things differently, etc. Truthfully, I thought I was coming very peacefully and lovingly because I was asking for clarity in a moment where I wasn’t angry or upset. Unfortunately, that energy was not reciprocated. What I do regret is asking for clarity instead of being more direct about what needed to change. Ultimately I know that people who love you care about how they make you feel. There’s nothing that I could have done differently that would have produced a different result other than have no boundaries at all. And that would have been a betrayal to myself.
From the hard places I still choose to declare that God is good, and I still choose to write my life and live it!
